OTC 59.2: Play the What If Game

[notarrowette]

I don’t like that game. The What If game. There are too many of them. I mean, where do you even start?

I could start at the beginning. What if Mom had told Ollie about me when she was pregnant? What if they’d stayed together? What if Mom hadn’t married Dad? I don’t even know how to begin imagining how those would change things. And while we’re on the topic, what if Dad hadn’t died? I mean, would Mom have pulled me out of school? Would he have let her put me through superhero boot camp? I mean, for one thing, we wouldn’t have had the insurance money to pay for the classes and personal instructors and tutors, so would home schooling have even been an option? I’d like to think maybe he would have stopped her from being so fanatic about it, but who knows?

And then, okay. Say my insane childhood was the same. What if I hadn’t met Bart and Max when I did? Or if Mom had been even a little more subtle about who we were? If Max had decided it wasn’t his business, and he had never reported Mom to social services? Or if Mom had a better lawyer, or the judge was more lenient, or any of a million factors that might have resulted in Mom not losing custody of me.

I really don't know how to imagine my life if that hadn’t happened. I’m pretty sure I would have continued as Arrowette. But it would have been Mom’s version, not mine. Not that mine was so great, as it turned out. I’m not sure if I would have ever grown a backbone where she’s concerned. Sometimes I’m still not sure I have one. But I don’t think there would have been Young Justice, considering how bent she was on me being famous on my own. Or famous period. Would that have happened? I don’t know. I know I hate the fame I have now. But.

I don’t think I would have been angry with her. Would I have realized what she’s done? How much she screwed up? ...I think half the reason I was so angry with her was because they took me away. She’s my mother. She’s not supposed to let things like that happen, right? Is that fair? I don’t know. But it’s how I felt for a long time. And that turned into “how can I prove I don’t need her and never did?” So what if that hadn’t been my motivation?

What if I had retired Arrowette then and there and never picked up a bow again? What if I had stopped heroing when I didn’t have Mom around? If Marcy hadn’t inadvertently set me on that path? If I had decided that instead of wanting to prove that I could do better on my own, I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with anything that reminded me of Mom?

What if I hadn’t met Marcy? What if I hadn’t been Arrowette that second time around? What if... What if, that day, I hadn’t stayed at HQ that extra half hour? If I had been on campus, could I have stopped it? Could I have saved her?

...What would I have done to save her?

If I had been there, I wouldn’t have gone after her killers. Because she wouldn’t be dead. But then, what if I had arrived half an hour later? I wouldn’t have seen the videotape of what happened. Maybe I wouldn’t have known enough to follow her killers through the woods.

So back to what if. What if I hadn’t done that? I wouldn’t have quit. What if I had done it, and what if Kon hadn’t shown up when he did? If I had killed him.

Would I have been caught? Would I have turned myself in? Would I have been turned in? Would I have gone to jail?

What if, what if, what if.

What if I hadn’t quit. Would I have been there, when Kon died? Or Bart? Could I have done anything? Would I have made any difference? Would I trust myself? Ever?

What if I hadn’t told Tim I loved him? What if I had let him push me away? What if when we broke up, we hadn’t made up? What if something happens to Tim?

Ugh.

So okay. It’s pretty safe to say that if I could pick one thing to re-do, it would be what happened that night in those woods. But then, how would that change things? And what would have had to change for that to happen? Would it mean me not being Arrowette at all?

If I was never Arrowette, the most important people in my life wouldn’t be in it. I wouldn’t know Cassie. Anita. Kon. Bart. Greta. I wouldn’t know Tim.

I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done. Or decisions I’ve made. And I still don’t entirely trust myself, or forgive my mother. If I had it all to do over again, I honestly can’t say that I wish I hadn’t quit. Because I like my life. The way things are right now... I’m happy.

If changing anything--even the bad things--means changing the way things are now? I don’t want to.

And I’m not sure what kind of a person that makes me.

I don’t like What Ifs.