notarrowette | Friends don't let friends repress

Current Location: East Harbor State Park, Ohio

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Friends don't let friends repress

[RP with

butimwondergirl]

Things had been remarkably drama-free since arriving in Yosemite on Friday night--whether it was the drinking that night, or being able to spend a few days out of the van, or finally getting used to being together 24/7, Cissie wasn't sure. But she wasn't going to complain. Even two days in the van heading home had been surprisingly stress-free, save the brief tension between Cassie and Bart when they kind of argued about empathy. They seemed to have moved on quickly, but it reminded Cissie that she had been meaning to find some time to talk with Cassie--if Cassie would open up and actually talk.

She waited until sunset on Wednesday night, when everyone was hanging around the campfire or off teasing swans, in Kon's case. Then she grabbed her camera and cornered Cassie while she was in her tent, asking her if she wanted to go down by the lake to take pictures of the sunset with her.

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She hadn't been avoiding Cissie, exactly, but it was really easy to never be alone with her. Bart was a near constant around Cissie and Cassie had two boyfriends she could look to. And there was always the 'we're supposed to be enjoying being a whole group' excuse. In this way, Cassie was able to stave off the talk she'd sort of agreed to having with Cissie before they'd left. In the back of her mind she thought maybe -- if Cassie was happy and drama-free (or at least appeared to be) -- Cissie would forget about it.

Maybe. Maybe not.

"Sure." She smiled and picked up her own camera. There was, after all, one part of Cassie who maybe welcomed the opportunity to talk.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Cissie had definitely not forgotten, but it had been easy to put this off. As much as she wanted to be there for Cassie and to see if she could get her friend to open up and confide in her, she also knew that it was not likely to be the most comfortable or relaxing conversation. She also knew that if Cassie got upset, Kon would get defensive and the solution to that was dragging Cassie off for one-on-one time. They'd had some, but every time she thought about bringing it up, she had opted for continuing to have fun instead. But now they were running out of time and Cissie had a feeling that if she didn't force the issue now, it would be far too easy back in the "real world" for Cassie to continue evading her.

So Cissie walked with Cassie down to the lakeside. The sun was orange and turning the sky and water orange with it, and it was quiet and peaceful. Cissie took a few pictures and debated what to say.

"I'm really glad the rain cleared out." ...Yeah, talk about the weather. Way to go, Ciss.

"Well, it's left a beautiful sunset." Always pretty after the rain. Not that Cassie had really minded the rain, it had its own beauty. "And we've lucked out weather wise." It might've rained on their campsite and that would be less beautiful and more...wet.

"Back to normal tomorrow," she mused, kicking absently at the sand. Normal is such an odd word for their lives. "I know we have to get back but it's been..." She shook her head. Whatever the word is for how it's been, she already misses it. But at the same time, here doesn't feel entirely real. Maybe that's what scares her. "I don't know. But fun."

Cissie nodded. "It is beautiful. We really have been lucky. It's been really nice the whole time--even the rain today wasn't so bad." Even if she was totally going to have to throw away the clothes she'd been wearing once they got home, Cissie considered it worth it. It had been fun, playing in the mud like that.

She listened to Cassie, watching her kick the sand, looking... kind of forlorn. Cissie nodded again. "It has been fun. And really nice, just to spend so much time together without being interrupted or distracted by other people or... stuff."

"...Stuff," Cassie repeated with a glance at Cissie. She's not sure why, but it made her want to giggle. Except there is no good reason to be giggling so she'd sound somewhat manic if she did and that's not the best way to prove to Cissie she's Perfectly Fine. So she didn't giggle. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and took a breath.

"I think we all needed it. This time to be together." Shrugging, Cassie sat down and gestured for Cissie to join her. "I know we're together all the time, but, well like you said. Away from stuff. Now we can go back to the stuff and be better able to deal with it." She grinned. See! Perfectly fine. Really.

Edited 2009-05-21 19:34 (UTC)

Cissie had no problem laughing. Her vocabulary had failed her and hearing it repeated back to her made her giggle, but it was still the best way she could come up with to describe all the interruptions and outside influences that would meet them when they got back. She plunked herself down in the sand next to Cassie. "Maybe there's a better word than 'stuff,' but you know what I mean." She shrugged. "I think you're right--we did need it." She was quiet for a moment, looking out over the lake instead of at Cassie. "I think we needed to know that we can all be together and get along without everything falling apart because of something one of us says or does."

Can open, worms everywhere? Maybe.

Cassie became very still. Her eyes were wide staring at the sand.

They were all together and they had been getting along and things hadn't fallen apart but...there were moments even away from the 'stuff'. And they were going back.

"I know what you mean," she said, finally, very quietly and still looking at the sand. "I'll do better."

Cissie watched Cassie carefully and managed not to sigh. She recognized the signs--Cassie was shutting down, internalizing everything again. She leaned over, bumping her shoulder against Cassie's. "It's not just you. We all need to work on it. You can't take responsibility for everyone, Cass."

"I'm not." She let herself be moved but remained still. In control. She sighed. "I'm really not."

Cassie looked up and out at the water. "But I can't...I don't...I shouldn't..." She stopped, completely unable to finish the sentence. A moment went by, she swallowed and tried again. "I can control my own reactions."

Cissie watched her, frowning slightly. Yeah, this was going well. She leaned over, bumping her shoulder again, a little more forcefully this time. "You don't have to. Not all the time. Not with us."

The bumping was beginning to get annoying. Cassie pressed her lips together and turned to look directly at Cissie. "What kind of reaction are you looking for now? What do you want me to say?"

Cissie stopped and looked back at her evenly. It hurt a little that Cassie thought she had an ulterior motive, but since she kind of did, she ignored it. "I'm not looking for any reaction. As for what I want you to say... I just want you to talk to me, Cass. You can say whatever you want."

"Okay. Good. I don't want to say anything." She was standing before the words were entirely out of her mouth. "It's our last night, we should do something. To commemorate. What haven't we...oh! Oh, I know!" Cassie actually smiled. "We should do a ghost story that we all contribute to. Like in a round. You know? Come on, let's go ask."

Cissie blinked, watching her stand up. She practically saw Cassie switch on her 'I'm-happy-you're-happy-we're-all-going-to-be-happy-now-or-else' mask. She couldn't help sighing and dropped to lie on her back in the sand. "Yeah, okay," she said dully, staring up at the orange sky. "Sounds fun."

Cassie looked down and honestly felt badly. Cissie was just trying to be a good friend -- the kind of friend that Cassie has failed to be for her -- and here she is ignoring it. She pressed her lips together again. She can't just say what's wrong. She's not even sure she knows what's wrong...or if what's wrong is actually wrong or she just thinks it is...

"We don't have to go back to the others right away, though," she said and sat back down. She took Cissie's hand in her own. "Is there anything... maybe you want to talk about?"

Cissie squeezed Cassie's hand back, taking a moment before turning her head to look at her. "I don't know." Lying liar who lies. She shrugged and pushed herself up.

She brushed the sand out of her hair, using the opportunity to not have to look at Cassie when she spoke. "Sometimes... I know when you're upset about something, or something is bothering you, but you shut down and shut us out instead of letting us help you." She looked away, out over the lake. If she was being honest with herself, she was tired. At this particular moment, it felt like every time she reached out to Cassie and tried to help, she was brushed off, deflected or it made things worse. "We don't have to talk about it, though. We can go tell ghost stories."

There. Now Cassie had an easy-out if she wanted one.

Edited 2009-05-22 04:36 (UTC)

Cassie drew circles in the sand with one finger as Cissie spoke. She could feel tears behind her eyes. "I don't mean to shut you out." Her voice is barely above a whisper. "I don't know...some things I don't know how to talk about and other things I feel like...I shouldn't. It's not fair to the rest of you." She blinked, the tears were really threatening. "But I guess that's not fair to you either...I'm sorry."

Why does it so often feel like everything she does hurts someone....or everyone?

Cissie reached over and covered Cassie's hand with her own, squeezing it lightly. "It's okay, Cassie. I just... You don't have to bottle everything up inside, you know. It might help to let it out occasionally."

Or the universe might shatter into a million pieces... she didn't say. Cassie knew how that would sound. She wasn't so arrogant as to believe it anyway; she was simply scared. Of herself and her feelings and her lack of control. She swallowed the thought and turned her gaze to Cissie's hand on her own.

"...Ask me again in a few days. I just want this trip...I don't want to mess things up when we're so close." Everything still seemed so fragile. The trip had helped with some things but others remained so tenuous or even broken. Cassie worried that pulling even one thread might unravel the whole. "I know there is...stuff...we've put off 'til after to deal with...we'll have plenty to talk about soon."

She took a breath and bumped Cissie's shoulder as she'd done earlier. It was the second time in little over a week Cassie had asked her friend to please give her time and she felt like a jerk to do it. But she was too mixed up to do anything else.

Cissie swallowed her sigh, nodding. She wasn't really surprised that Cassie still wanted to wait--and really, maybe waiting was the best thing, but Cissie worried that waiting would become avoiding and inevitably ignoring. But she couldn't force Cassie to talk if she didn't want to, and she wouldn't.

She was nodding at the sand absently when Cassie bumped her shoulder and she looked at her in surprise. Maybe there was some progress being made. Maybe Cassie would open up and let her friends help her, eventually. Cissie couldn't help smiling a little. She leaned over to bump Cassie in return, then stood up, brushed the sand off her legs.

"Okay. Come on." Cissie offered Cassie a hand to help her up. It was the least she could do. "Let's go tell ghost stories."

(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

(Turn around, bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do... a total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say... a total eclipse of the heart

(Turn around) bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around) bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart

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Friends don't let friends repress

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Cinematic Musical Fade-Out Ending!!