OTC 14.2: Curious
Oct. 13th, 2008 03:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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justprompts, based on this image (test tubes).
~*~
Curiosity killed that cat—isn't that what they say?
I was never curious, though. I mean—it didn't occur to me that I should be. Not about my dad. Or—not curious besides the ordinary my-dad-died-before-I-could-get-to-know-him-as-a-person-rather-than-Daddy curious. But then I had to write that autobiography and I caught Mom in her lie about me being premature. I only had Tim look into it because Mom didn't even remember lying.
Stupid blood types. I don't suppose there's any way O and A can make B, after all? No? Yeah, I didn't think so.
I did talk to Mom about it, after Tim told me what he found out. She didn't deny it—she really couldn't, I guess. She said that she never told him, whoever he is. That he was self-centered and arrogant and I was like—gee, thanks, Mom. This is the first impression you want me to have of my biological father?
I don't know if I want to know who he is. I mean—first of all, I had a dad. HAVE. My dad was the man who tucked me in and checked my closets for monsters, and who let me help him make cookies, and who read me Black Beauty and Charlotte's Web. He's the man who gave me band-aids and sang to me when I had nightmares, and the man who packed me fruit instead of fruit-roll-ups for lunch.
And then he died, and Mom went all "you're going to be a hero no matter what we have to do" and I did some really fast growing up. Mom didn't check for monsters.
So—it kind of feels like… now I know that Daddy wasn't my father, and I don't really know what to do with that. Tim says he thinks Dad had to know—Mom implied that, too, since she said she was pregnant when she met him. (Forgive me though, if I'm having a hard time taking anything she says at face value these days.)
I should probably at least find out who he is, I guess. For genetic/health reasons alone. I just—don't know that I want to. And I'm such a broken record about this, but I can't stop thinking about it.
It feels like a betrayal or something. "Gee, Dad, I'm going to go find your replacement?" I just—want to know what he would say.
justprompts, based on this image (test tubes).Curiosity killed that cat—isn't that what they say?
I was never curious, though. I mean—it didn't occur to me that I should be. Not about my dad. Or—not curious besides the ordinary my-dad-died-before-I-could-get-to-know-him-as-a-person-rather-than-Daddy curious. But then I had to write that autobiography and I caught Mom in her lie about me being premature. I only had Tim look into it because Mom didn't even remember lying.
Stupid blood types. I don't suppose there's any way O and A can make B, after all? No? Yeah, I didn't think so.
I did talk to Mom about it, after Tim told me what he found out. She didn't deny it—she really couldn't, I guess. She said that she never told him, whoever he is. That he was self-centered and arrogant and I was like—gee, thanks, Mom. This is the first impression you want me to have of my biological father?
I don't know if I want to know who he is. I mean—first of all, I had a dad. HAVE. My dad was the man who tucked me in and checked my closets for monsters, and who let me help him make cookies, and who read me Black Beauty and Charlotte's Web. He's the man who gave me band-aids and sang to me when I had nightmares, and the man who packed me fruit instead of fruit-roll-ups for lunch.
And then he died, and Mom went all "you're going to be a hero no matter what we have to do" and I did some really fast growing up. Mom didn't check for monsters.
So—it kind of feels like… now I know that Daddy wasn't my father, and I don't really know what to do with that. Tim says he thinks Dad had to know—Mom implied that, too, since she said she was pregnant when she met him. (Forgive me though, if I'm having a hard time taking anything she says at face value these days.)
I should probably at least find out who he is, I guess. For genetic/health reasons alone. I just—don't know that I want to. And I'm such a broken record about this, but I can't stop thinking about it.
It feels like a betrayal or something. "Gee, Dad, I'm going to go find your replacement?" I just—want to know what he would say.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-13 10:52 pm (UTC)I'm here if you need me.
And I have to say, you can be a Daddy without being a father (I had one of that kind) and you can be a father without being a daddy.
I'd sooner be a Daddy... and in a way, I'm sorry your father didn't have a chance to be your daddy, but honey, at least you had a daddy, right? Just 'cause he didn't donate the cell that helped make you doesn't make him any less your dad, y'know? He loved you a lot.
...damn, I'm doing a cack-handed job at this. Shit. Sorry.
Yeah. I'm here if you need me, but I'm shuttin' up now.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 03:04 am (UTC)[That was totally exactly what she needed to hear.]
...Do you think--I mean--if you found out Lian wasn't yours, would you--God, I'm sorry, Roy, that was a stupid thing to say. I--can we pretend I didn't?
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 11:20 pm (UTC)If Lian weren't biologically mine, I don't think it would matter, not now.
It may have mattered in my fighting to keep her, but now? I couldn't care less, she's my baby, and I love her. It doesn't matter to me, and I really mean that, Little Arrowette.
She's mine, my baby-girl, and the best thing that ever happened to me. Her mama gave her up to me, 'cause she knew I could do better than she could.
Even if I didn't help make her, I've made her what she is today, you know? She's part of me, like I'm part of Ray, and part of Ollie, and part of Dinah.
Do you need to come over and just hang out for a bit, or talk? Anything I can do?
no subject
Date: 2008-10-15 09:56 am (UTC)I--feel really stupid, Roy. Like--some of the questions I want to ask just sound so stupid if I say them out loud, and look stupid typed out.
I mean... God. If Tim's right, and Daddy knew I wasn't his, but still--put his name on my birth certificate... why did he? And--since he did, would he--I don't know what he'd think. It almost feels like--like if I try to find out, I'm betraying him or something.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-15 12:57 pm (UTC)No, honey, you're not betraying your daddy. Trust me, what he wanted more than anything was to be happy.
He gave you his name because he loved you, and loved your ma. He probably fell in love the first time he saw you... I know I fell in love with Lian when I met her.
Don't worry about looking or sounds stupid... I doubt you do. I'll see you later hon, it's time for Lian to get to school. You have my number, call me if you need me and I'll see you.