OTC 25.3: Rivalry

[notarrowette]

[Intended to be private, but totally isn't--she's distracted]

I'm getting anxious. I haven't heard from Stephanie since she came here and spied on me. Not that I expect to, but I don't think Tim has either, and I don't know if Kon ever talked to her about it or not, but now he's dating Tim's friend, which I think means he's not interested in her anymore, but is that because of me? Is it because I got all stupid and upset when he said he liked her? Or is it that she's pulling another disappearing act?

...Which, of course, is completely discounting any role that Bernard might have played in it. Way to go being stupid, Cissie.

But if she is pulling a disappearing act, is that my fault? I mean--damn it. I tried to be nice. I wanted to be! But she just was such a bitch the first time we talked and I really, honestly, swear-to-god didn't start it. I know my track record with first impressions is not the best, but this wasn't like with Anita. I was going to try! I wanted to be friends--or at least friendly--with her, for Tim's sake, but--she just made it kind of impossible.

The worst part is, I can't stop thinking about some of the things she said. Why does it bother me, what she thinks? So I quit. I had reasons. That's not--it's not running away. I'm not useless. There are other ways to help, other things to do or be than a hero.

...Aren't there?

And I don't even want to think about the Tim issue. He loved her, and then he thought she died, and he was devastated. I know. I saw it. I was with him through that. And even before she died, she didn't even talk to him for months--there was never any kind of closure there. So, yeah. When she came back, I did worry. It was stupid. I know Tim loves me. I just worried--but then Tim told me not to worry, so I tried not to. I trust him more than anyone and I love him, so it wasn't Tim I worried about.

And then Steph just--showed up at my school--my home! She disguised herself and followed me around and when I called her on it, she just--the things she said... God. Where did she get off, judging me when she doesn't even know me or want to? She thought I was a threat to Tim! She said she couldn't figure out what Tim sees in me, and... Damn it.

I don't know why I let her get to me like that. But it really, really bothered me, and--yeah, so I'm always telling Tim not to repress and bottle things up, but that's what I did and then Kon started gushing about how great she was and how much fun he had hanging out with her and I was a giant idiot about it and got all upset and hurt and jealous.

And I feel really guilty and horrible about not saying anything to Tim. I know he'd be mad if he knew what Steph did and that I didn't tell him. It's just--he was trying to get over things with her and be friends with her again. If he knew she did that, well... ::sigh:: And on top of that, I just know she would blame me and have more reasons to be awful to me, and I just--don't want that.

So between Tim and Kon, I just--I don't want to screw things up for them, and I don't want to give Steph any more reasons to be a bitch to me. Because I just can't handle being attacked every time I turn around.

Now, though--I haven't heard from her in ages, and I don't think Tim or Kon have either and... I can't help wondering if she's running away again because of me, or... I don't even know what to think.

Comments

[ihavettk.livejournal.com]

Cissie? Seeing Bernard has absolutely nothing to do with Steph or you. Or Tim, actually. I probably wouldn't have started seeing him if I'd known at first that he and Tim were friends. It's way too complicated.

And I was never interested in Steph in like, the way I'm interested in Bernard! She's Tim's ex. Tim's my best friend. Do you know how uncool that'd be?

I tried to ask her about the spying thing and...well, we never finished that conversation. I don't know where she's gone, and I am worried. But I don't think it's your fault, whatever it is.

Dammit. If I wasn't so worried about what might happen if I leave Bart alone for even a minute, I'd fly over there right now to give you a hug.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

...Crap. No one was supposed to see this.

I'm sorry, Kon. I know that, I do, I just--my brain thinks stupid things sometimes. I am sorry.

::small smile:: Thanks, Kon. Bart needs you, though--I'll take an IOU, though.

[ihavettk.livejournal.com]

Okay, I totally owe you a hug, then.

And sorry...I don't know anything about computers. I just figured it was okay to read since I could see it.

You've got nothing to be sorry for.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Good.

No, it's--I meant to lock this, but I guess I messed up. That was me, not you.

I'm still sorry anyway.

[father-archer.livejournal.com]

Honey, you can't take responsibility for what other people do. You take responsibility for you. Not Stephanie. You.

That said, Bats come and go, especially when they get tiffy. Which she was. She's just lucky I didn't get my hands on her. But regardless.

And there is more than one way to be a hero. And there's more than one way to be an idiot. Stephanie wasn't a hero in her behavior to you. I'm not going to say she was an idiot, though.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. ::sigh:: I didn't think anyone would be able to see this...

[father-archer.livejournal.com]

*little grin* Sorry.

But really, don't blame yourself for someone elses' actions. You may be able to influence them, yeah, but you can't change them.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Roy. I'll work on that.

[father-archer.livejournal.com]

Don't sweat it, sweetie.

Be young and enjoy it.

Do something a *little* irresponsible, huh? Like, I dunno. Leave your room messy or something. It'll be good for you!

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

::laughs:: How about if I don't make my bed? It has the added side effect of making Tim have a seizure if he visits.

[father-archer.livejournal.com]

*grin* Seizures are good for Robins! It rewires their hardwired little minds.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

::laughs:: You want me to give Tim seizures?

[father-archer.livejournal.com]

Small ones. Sometimes.

It's fuuun!

[mrsarcastic003]

...I really wish you'd told me some of this stuff, Ciss. I mean--I knew about Steph. You mentioned it in Kon's journal, and I'm nothing if not nosy, but. I would have liked to hear it from you. I didn't feel right doing anything about it until I had.

And if she doesn't know what I see in you, then she's blind. You're beautiful, courageous, honest, and smart. You are wonderful and determined and stubborn in all the best ways.

And I love you.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I should have told you, I know... I just--I didn't want to upset you. And I know you've been trying to be friends with her again, and... ::sigh:: I'm sorry.

I love you, too. So much.

[mrsarcastic003]

Because I really want to be friends with someone that treats you that terribly? Cissie, come on.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

I know, it's just--she said... ::sigh:: I am sorry.

[mrsarcastic003]

I know. I'm sorry, too. Just... I love you. That's important, okay?

::wry grin:: And just whose side do you think I would have taken, anyway?

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

What's important? That you love me? I think so. And I love you.

Well, I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that...

I am sorry I didn't tell you.

[mrsarcastic003]

Yes. And I'm glad.

You bet your ass you do. ::grin::

::sigh:: I know. And it's okay. Just... if there's a next time...

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

::laughs:: I'm glad, too.

::smiles:: Thanks, Tim.

I'll tell you. I promise. I just... I didn't want you to worry, or be angry. You've got enough to stress about and she didn't really do anything... But I should have told you.

[mrsarcastic003]

I get to worry abut you, you know. As your boyfriend, it's kind of my job.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Oh, fine--pull that card.

[mrsarcastic003]

Thank you, I think I will.