notarrowette | Breaking up is hard to do

[RP with

mrsarcastic003, the day after this argument]

Tim let himself in through Cissie's window, the knot in his stomach tightening. This was... necessary. Cissie would be better off and happier in the long run. He had to remember that.

Cissie was reading while she waited for Tim to show up. When her window opened, she looked up and watched Tim climb into the room, smiling. Even though things had been kind of tense since their fight, she was always happy to see him--but her smile disappeared quickly when she got up to hug him and saw him. She had known he was hurt, but... He had a bruise over one cheek and handprints on his neck. "Hi,” she managed, trying to swallow her shock--this was exactly why they had fought the other day and the last thing she wanted was to fight again now.

Tim saw the hesitation in her eyes and winced inwardly. She was worried. Really worried, and trying to hide it. "Hi," he said with a rueful smile. He was just glad she couldn't see the extent of the damage right now. His ribs were wrapped, but his shirt hid that, along with an assortment of other bruises and some stitches.

She managed a smile and leaned up to kiss him, putting her arms around his shoulders to hug him. "I'm glad you came,” she said honestly. "I've missed you.”

God, this was going to be hard. "Missed you, too, Ciss," he said, smiling slightly.

She just held him for a minute, taking the time to compose herself before pulling back again. "How was the drive?” She tried, but she couldn't help looking at the marks on his neck and feeling a little like she was being kicked in the stomach.

He should have worn a turtleneck sweater. Or a scarf. "It was fine," he said. "Quiet, not much traffic." He was stalling.

"That's good.” She forced herself to stop looking at his neck and managed a somewhat more convincing smile than before. She could ask him about it later. "So--what did you want to do? Are you hungry? We could get some food.”

He frowned a little. "I... wanted to talk to you about something." And chances were pretty good she wouldn't want to have dinner with him after he said what he was going to say.

She frowned, but nodded. "Okay.” She took his hand in hers and gave it a small squeeze. She tugged on it, intending to lead him over to sit on the bed. "What's up?”

Tim shook his head, staying where he was by the window. Good exit point. "I--think." No. "I don't think we should be together anymore." The words felt like ash in his mouth.

Cissie froze mid-tug, feeling suddenly like all the air had left the room. She blinked at him--she had heard him, but it didn't register; it didn't make sense. She couldn't have heard right. "What?”

He clenched the hand that Cissie wasn't holding into a fist. He had to get this over with. It would be better. He swallowed hard before repeating himself. "I think we should break up." Yeah, not getting any easier.

She stared at him, then gave a short laugh. "You're joking.” He had to be. He couldn't be serious.

He shook his head mutely.

Cissie continued to stare at him, expecting... something. Anything. There was no way Tim could be suggesting what she thought she was hearing. But he didn't say anything, he just stood there, looking miserable. Her stomach sank and she wondered why she was beginning to feel dizzy. She shook her head jerkily. "No--what--why?”

"You--should have someone you're not constantly worrying about," he said, not quite choking on the words. "And someone who is around to spend time with you--who can be there for you." She deserved better--much better than he could be.

She was still holding his hand, clinging to it while she tried to make sense of what she was hearing. But then he said that and she was suddenly not just stunned but annoyed. "You've got to be kidding me.”

Tim blinked. He'd kind of expected her to kick him out at this point. "I'm sorry?"

"This is because of that stupid fight we had?” she asked in complete disbelief. "Because I worry about you? Tim!”

"Not because you worry about me. Or the stupid fight. That--I understand. But you shouldn't have to, and you should have someone who can spend time with you." He shook his head, closing his eyes briefly. "I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head in disgust and disbelief. She let out an exasperated breath and said impatiently, "God, Tim, knock it off. You're being ridiculous.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Let's just--go get some food, okay? You can apologize for being an idiot later.”

"Cissie--you're not listening to me," he said, frowning a little. It was making everything harder. "I'm serious."

She glanced at him impatiently and froze, seeing the look on his face. "You--can't be...” Suddenly, she felt sick.

He winced a little at the look on her face. That hurt him more than anything else so far. He nodded. "Yes, I can."

She felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach and couldn't quite understand what was happening. "But... why?” she asked again. "I don't--I thought we were--I thought you...” She trailed off, unable to talk past the lump in her throat.

Tim felt his hand ball into a fist again. He could guess at the ends of her unfinished sentences. "I told you," he said quietly. He couldn't repeat himself again.

She blinked to clear her vision and shook her head helplessly. "But that's--I worry about you because I love you--but I worried when we were just friends! And... maybe we don't see each other that much, but--but we make time--we make it work. Those aren't reasons, Tim! Not for--this!”

Tim looked down. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely audible.

Cissie dragged in a deep breath, tugging on his hand and trying to make him look at her again. "Tim, come on. You can't--really want this, right? What's wrong--did something happen?”

He stared at their hands. "Nothing happened, Cissie," he said finally. "It's just... the right thing to do."

She felt cold, inside and out, and there was a rock in the pit of her stomach. "What does that mean?” she asked flatly.

Tim sighed. "It means that you will be better off with someone who can actually be here for you, and who isn't constantly putting himself in front of the things that try to hurt people. I want you to be happy."

She froze, staring at him incredulously. "I am happy!” she snapped, her voice rising. "Why would you think I wasn't? And--what do you mean, I'd be ‘better off' with--what the Hell, Tim?”

"You deserve better," he said, frowning. "I'm not arguing this."

Cissie went still, inhaling sharply. "I deserve better?” she repeated scornfully. "Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? And we are arguing this, because I'm not letting you just--just break up with me so you can play the martyr! You don't want this--you can't!”

"And when have you known me to say something I don't mean?" Tim asked, setting his jaw in frustration. Well--maybe a fight would make this easier for her.

She frowned back at him, a sinking feeling in her stomach. "You can't be saying you actually want to break up, Tim. I don't believe you,” she said, shaking her head. "What's really going on? There must be something.”

"There's nothing going on.”

She let go of his hand with an irritated noise, scrubbing her face and shoving her hands into her hair in frustration. "Then what are you doing? Where is this coming from?”

"I've been thinking about it for a while," he said stiffly.

Cissie inhaled sharply, dropping her arms to her sides. "About breaking up with me?” she asked dully. "How long?”

Damn it, he'd hurt her, and he'd known that was going to happen, but it wasn't what he wanted. He shook his head a little. "Not... that long." He couldn't let her think that.

She wrapped her arms around her middle and looked away briefly, trying to make sense of what was happening. She looked back at him finally and said flatly, "I don't understand. I thought we--I thought you were happy. I don't know why you would think about this at all.”

"You can't tell me that having a boyfriend who never has time for you, and can almost never put you first is at all fun."

"Oh my God, Tim!” she cried, exasperated. "You're being ridiculous! When have I ever complained about that? We make it work! Why is this an issue now?”

"Because it's not going to get any better!" he exploded. "It only gets worse--always worse--and it's not fair to you, and I won't keep doing this!"

Cissie pulled back, stung by his tone. "Doing what? Being with me? Because you're busy? I don't care!”

"I care!”

"Do you care that I don't want to break up?” she snapped, glaring at him. "Don't I get a say in this?”

"Don't I?”

"No,” she snapped flatly, glaring at him. "Not if you're doing this for stupid, self-righteous--it's one thing if--if you really don't want to be with me--” She stopped, needing to compose herself before she could continue. Her voice still shook. "But saying I deserve better? That's bullshit, and you know it.”

"It's not," Tim said, setting his jaw stubbornly. "And I'm not going to argue that with you right now."

"When will you?" she demanded, crossing her arms defensively. "Because it is. I don't want anyone else! I don't care what you think I deserve--shouldn't I decide that?"

Tim frowned slightly. He needed to get Cissie angry enough with him to make her want him to leave. That... was going to be hard. Tim shook his head a little. "The conversation's over, Cissie."

"Damn it,” she snapped, scowling at him. "It's not. I'm not going to let you just--don't I at least deserve an explanation? A real one?”

"That is my explanation," Tim said, with more force than he really felt. "What else do you want from me?"

"I want you to change your mind!” she shouted, doing her best to fight back tears. "I want you to see what an idiot you're being and apologize already!”

"Well that's not going to happen," Tim snapped. "I'm not being an idiot, and I'm not changing my mind. I'm doing the right thing, for once!"

"No, you're not," Cissie shot back fiercely. "You're being a stupid martyr and pretending you know what's best for me, and you don't. Not if you think that means we should break up."

Damn it, he was going to have to hurt her to make her want him to leave. "Well, maybe I want to break up," he replied, his tone heated, even if he hated himself for the words.

She stilled and swallowed hard, setting her jaw. She felt cold, and sick to her stomach as she repeated, "You want to...?”

He nodded stiffly, telling himself that it was the only way she would believe him.

Cissie hugged herself, locking her jaw. She was not going to start crying yet, no matter how much she wanted to, no matter how tight the knot in her stomach was now. Dully, she made herself choke out, "Fine.”

Tim nodded again. He'd... done what he'd come to do, and it was doubtful that Cissie would want him around anymore. "I'm--going to go now."

She nodded jerkily, unable to look away from a spot on the wall beside him, and not trusting herself to speak. She felt like if she moved more than that, she might fall apart. Right now, she just wanted him to leave so she could sit down and sob, since it didn't seem like there was any chance he was going to tell her he was joking, or he had changed his mind.

Tim let himself out the window silently, and closed it behind him. He climbed down the side of the building, still feeling numb, and got into his car again. There, he dropped his head to his hands, resting his elbows in the steering wheel. God, he was such a jerk. She was going to hate him forever... and he deserved it. Even if it was for the best in the long run--it didn't make it hurt any less now.

Meanwhile, Cissie managed to keep her composure until Tim was gone and out of sight, but the numbness only lasted long enough for her to make it to sit on her bed. She burst into tears and sobbed helplessly, wondering what the Hell had just happened. It couldn't be... over? Just like that? But she couldn't find any reason to think that it wasn't. Cissie curled up and cried brokenly until she exhausted herself and fell asleep.