A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out. [SWS]

[notarrowette]

[RP with butimwondergirl]

Cissie wasn't kidding when she told Cassie that she had lost her living room somewhere under all the camping supplies. She had lists--somewhere--of everything she'd bought and what it was all for, but at the moment she didn't care so much about all of that. At the moment she just wanted to get everything out of the store packaging and into the duffle bags and plastic containers so it would all fit in the van. She hoped it would all fit in the van.

She had asked Cassie to come by to help. While she certainly appreciated the help, she knew she could also have asked Bart, or managed on her own. But she wanted to spend a little time with Cassie, and to talk to her about what had happened over the weekend, especially the part where Bart told her Cassie had broken up with Tim and Kon to sacrifice her own happiness for everyone else's.

Comments

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Cassie was having a good day. Good in that it was not a Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad day. Nothing Horrible, Terrible, No Good, or Very Bad had happened today. Which was more refreshing than it should be. But the weekend had been rough. And she didn't know yet, not really, what might have changed.

The important task at hand was getting through the two days before the Road Trip. Cassie was honestly not even concerning herself with what might happen ON the Road Trip. That was really just too much to contemplate. It will be epic, whatever it was. Just so long as it happened.

"I'm here!" Cassie called from the balcony. She smiled widely. It almost (almost) reached her eyes.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie looked up from wedging the third flashlight into one of the containers and grinned. "Hey, Cass!" She did notice that Cassie looked more cheerful tonight than she had when they went shopping on Saturday, but she still didn't look quite as happy as she had last week before the whole mess in Cissie's journal with Kon. "I am sooo glad you're here. How are we going to fit all this in the van with all seven of us?!"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Very carefully?" posited Cassie with a little shrug. She dropped down to the floor and looked around. Cissie wasn't kidding, there wasn't a foot of empty space anywhere. Somehow it hadn't looked like so much when they'd left the store....Well. Maybe Cassie hadn't really been paying as much attention to what they'd been doing as she could have. Even now Cassie welcomed a project. It kept her - and Cissie - distracted.

"Let's try to be intelligent about this. First, we separate the individual items from the communal. Then we get rid of the packaging and see where we're at." She raised eyebrows at Cissie. "Okay?"

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie nodded, wrinkling her nose and looking around her. "Somehow we fit it all in my car?" she said, not at all sure how they had managed. ...Possibly stopping and dropping things off before buying the tents had helped with that. "I have a list of what's what around here somewhere." She gave Cassie a sheepish look. "I've been kind of tossing the packaging behind the couch for the time being."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Right! So we can do it." Cassie pulled her hair back into a pony tail and looked behind the sofa. "Okay, well, that's all right. We'll clean the apartment afterwards." She started pushing herself a path through supplies. "A list would be good but I guess it's mostly obvious...." Her voice trailed off and she glanced at the clock. She'd told Tim she'd be coming late; she hoped late didn't actually mean Thursday in this instance. Particularly since they were leaving Wednesday. "Um. It looks like you started with tents. What else is big...the chairs?" She started moving chairs toward the tents. "Tim, Kon, Bart." Cassie placed the chairs down as she spoke. "Cissie, Steph, Cass." One left. "Who am I forgetting?"

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

"Someone pretty important," Cissie said, keeping her voice light and her smile amused. She would normally tease Cassie for forgetting herself, but it kind of concerned her, especially given what she'd heard... third hand? from Bart from Kon about what Cassie had tried to do. Cissie worried. But she covered by grabbing the remaining chair and passing it to Cassie. "Somebody named Cassie, maybe?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Oh, right." Ha, ha, said Cassie's eyes as she glanced shiftily around. At least she hoped that's what her eyes said. Either she was more tired than she thought (entirely possible, how much sleep do you think she's gotten in the last 72 hours?) or she was simply focused on the group more than herself (obviously! That's her job). She dropped the last chair on top of the pile. "Cassie."

She turned back to the collection of camping supplies. "Okay. Let's make a second pile of the soft stuff that'll go on top. We need to remind people to bring their pillows."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie let it go without comment--for now. But it worried her. "Sleeping bags next?" She picked up a sleeping bag and tossed it to Cassie. "We should make a list of things people need to remember to pack for themselves. You know Kon will need it," she teased.

She started tossing sleeping bags to Cassie, counting them as she went, and after the fourth one, she asked, "How're you doing?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Absolutely, I will post one in the AM. And all our plans and things...Bart's getting the food tomorrow, then we'll pack the van and I'll drive it to Gotham and we should...be good...to...go." Cassie was stacking the bags as she spoke. The least mobile people all lived in Gotham so she and Tim had plotted the route from there.

"I'm..." People had been asking her how she was all day. Which is not exactly unusual but she'd felt some pressure to answer...thoughtfully. Kon and Tim obviously knew what was going on with them but even they didn't know exactly what was going on with her. Especially Kon. Part of Cassie wanted to talk about it almost desperately, but it was a part she didn't let out very often and she didn't even know what Cissie knew. She shrugged. "I'm fine. Starting to get excited for the trip!" Deflect!!

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie nodded in agreement to the plans. They were good ones, and Cissie was really excited for this trip. It would be good to get everyone together and have that uninterrupted time to themselves. Especially after all the strain they'd been under lately. Or--for the last several years.

Cissie noticed the deflection, and started passing the sleeping pads to her. "I'm excited. I think it's going to be great." She hesitated, not sure how much she wanted to push--Cassie hadn't wanted to talk on Saturday, but Cissie really thought she should talk about what happened.

"So. Kon came by and talked to Bart last night." She glanced up at Cassie, pausing in their packing. She may as well ask and apologize later if she was out of line for doing so. "What happened?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Cassie paused in her packing. She hadn't wanted to talk to Cissie when they were shopping because she knew Cissie would have tried to talk her out of it and Cassie had had it in her mind that she couldn't allow that. Even now...No. She returned to folding the tarp in her hands.

"We talked. I...I thought I should end it." She wasn't looking at Cissie; she focused entirely on the tarp. "But they...we talked and we...we're still together." It was a trial basis in Cassie's mind but she hadn't even said that to the others. "Road trip saved!" She added, as lightly as she could, and picked up another tarp.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie watched her friend closely while she talked--or didn't really talk. She got up and picked her way through the supplies to Cassie's side, taking the tarp from her. Before she could reach for another one, she caught Cassie's hands in hers and squeezed them. "Cassie. Talk to me."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Cassie stared at her hands in Cissie's and sighed. What is she supposed to say? "I'm tired of all the...we all feed off each other so easily. I wanted it to stop. I thought...Kon should have somebody who loves him the way he wants to be loved." She pulled her lips in over her teeth and shrugged, pulling Cissie's hands up with hers.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie squeezed Cassie's hands and then let go, reaching out to pull her into a hug instead. "But what about you, Cass?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Her first response was to dismiss the question, but Cassie hardly ever speaks her first response aloud. Not when it comes to this type of topic. In the middle of a battle, sure. She looks, sees, thinks, directs and all in that split second that makes the difference between a win and a loss. But about herself, her feelings, her wants, needs and desires...most of that is bottled up and examined thoroughly before anything is said or done. When it is not she ends up acting on feelings she should have buried, one way or another.

Her first response was to dismiss the question, but Cassie knew Cissie wouldn't like or accept that. "It would be better for me, too. I don't want to be angry with Kon because he loves me too much. I don't want to feel like a constant disappointment." She got enough of that in her non-romantic life. Speaking of which, "I'd be a better leader" Wow, she actually said leader. "if my attentions weren't divided."

It would be better for everyone except Cassie and admittedly Tim. Cassie and Tim, Tim and Cassie. Feelings they should have buried or swallowed or convinced themselves they didn't need. I would do anything for you, he'd said and she felt the same. Anything for each other, even not be together. But it was Tim she had stayed for. Kon she still thought she was hurting as much as she (and Tim) did honestly and genuinely and deeply love him. He was their Arthur and he would always be the best of them.

"But it's a moot point anyway. Kon doesn't" understand "agree and Tim...we didn't break up." Despite her best efforts. Well, not entirely her best. But close.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie hugged her tighter, listening and knowing that there was much more that Cassie just wasn't saying. She just wasn't sure how to make her say it. She pulled back so she could look at her, still holding onto Cassie's hands--she wasn't going to let her escape this conversation if she could help it. She tilted her head, looking at her carefully and trying to figure out how to stop Cassie from thinking in terms of put-everyone-else-first. "Cassie. Do you want to break up with them? Not because you think you should, or it would be better for anyone. For you. Would it be better for you? Would you be happier?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Annoyingly, Cassie felt tears threatening. "I don't think..." GAH. It is a yes or no question, you silly girl. Or rather, questions. She took a breath and forced the tears away. "No. I don't know, maybe. I don't...no."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Cass." Cissie pulled her into another hug. "You love them. You would all be miserable if you broke up."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Not always." Her voice was...wistful. But not really for a time when they might be broken up and not miserable. It was something else. When Cassie imagined that future she imagined Kon with someone deserving. No one in particular but Kon had so very much to give. She never imagined him alone.

She pulled back and shook her head. "I wish love was enough, Cissie." Cassie tried to turn her attention back to packing.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Right. Like Cissie's going to let her get away with that. She stopped her, grabbing her lightly by the elbows. "Why isn't it?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Because love is passive, it doesn't do anything..." Cassie broke off and shook her head. She should not be having this conversation with Cissie. Cissie and Bart were adorably, annoyingly, insanely, intensely, disgustingly, distractingly in love. How dare Cassie be cynical about it? "I'm just reacting to the whole thing, Cissie. I'm silly."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

"Okay," Cissie said slowly, wondering how to get Cassie to stop deflecting and start talking. "Let me rephrase then--why is what you do with love not enough? You're not being silly. 'The whole thing,' what happened with Kon last week, that was pretty big and ugly, and you have every right to react." She squeezed Cassie's elbows a little. "Talk to me. I'm your best friend, Cass. Or--I used to be. Just--not talking about it won't help."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Nothing I do is enough, Cassie thought, and something flickered through her eyes. But she closed them and leaned forward to (finally) properly return all of Cissie's hugs. "You are my oldest and best friend, Cissie."

She pulled back and met her friend's concerned gaze. "I know...I don't think I can talk about it right now," she said honestly. "I'm tired and I don't really know...I just want to focus on the trip. I want to pack up this stuff and find your floor and then go see Tim and fall asleep in his arms and just...I can't do...this tonight." She pulled up Cissie arms, blinking at tears she wasn't ready to process. "Please..."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie managed to suppress a sigh. She could see how upset Cassie was and how hard she was trying to ignore it or repress it or shove it aside. It hurt, watching that, because Cissie knew it would only make things harder for Cassie later, when everything she was locking away forced its way out again.

As badly as she wanted to push and force the issue, Cissie couldn't. She couldn't do it when Cassie looked that miserable and was asking her 'please' not to. So she just gave Cassie another hug and held back her sigh and nodded. "Okay. But--another time, maybe? You know you can talk to me about anything, any time."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"I do know that." She held her friend close. "Thank you. For..." Letting it go. Asking in the first place. Trying to understand. Being my friend. Caring as much about me as them. Understanding I'm not as quick to process as everyone else. Trying. "...Everything."