A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out. [SWS]

[notarrowette]

[RP with butimwondergirl]

Cissie wasn't kidding when she told Cassie that she had lost her living room somewhere under all the camping supplies. She had lists--somewhere--of everything she'd bought and what it was all for, but at the moment she didn't care so much about all of that. At the moment she just wanted to get everything out of the store packaging and into the duffle bags and plastic containers so it would all fit in the van. She hoped it would all fit in the van.

She had asked Cassie to come by to help. While she certainly appreciated the help, she knew she could also have asked Bart, or managed on her own. But she wanted to spend a little time with Cassie, and to talk to her about what had happened over the weekend, especially the part where Bart told her Cassie had broken up with Tim and Kon to sacrifice her own happiness for everyone else's.

Comments

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Oh, right." Ha, ha, said Cassie's eyes as she glanced shiftily around. At least she hoped that's what her eyes said. Either she was more tired than she thought (entirely possible, how much sleep do you think she's gotten in the last 72 hours?) or she was simply focused on the group more than herself (obviously! That's her job). She dropped the last chair on top of the pile. "Cassie."

She turned back to the collection of camping supplies. "Okay. Let's make a second pile of the soft stuff that'll go on top. We need to remind people to bring their pillows."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie let it go without comment--for now. But it worried her. "Sleeping bags next?" She picked up a sleeping bag and tossed it to Cassie. "We should make a list of things people need to remember to pack for themselves. You know Kon will need it," she teased.

She started tossing sleeping bags to Cassie, counting them as she went, and after the fourth one, she asked, "How're you doing?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Absolutely, I will post one in the AM. And all our plans and things...Bart's getting the food tomorrow, then we'll pack the van and I'll drive it to Gotham and we should...be good...to...go." Cassie was stacking the bags as she spoke. The least mobile people all lived in Gotham so she and Tim had plotted the route from there.

"I'm..." People had been asking her how she was all day. Which is not exactly unusual but she'd felt some pressure to answer...thoughtfully. Kon and Tim obviously knew what was going on with them but even they didn't know exactly what was going on with her. Especially Kon. Part of Cassie wanted to talk about it almost desperately, but it was a part she didn't let out very often and she didn't even know what Cissie knew. She shrugged. "I'm fine. Starting to get excited for the trip!" Deflect!!

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie nodded in agreement to the plans. They were good ones, and Cissie was really excited for this trip. It would be good to get everyone together and have that uninterrupted time to themselves. Especially after all the strain they'd been under lately. Or--for the last several years.

Cissie noticed the deflection, and started passing the sleeping pads to her. "I'm excited. I think it's going to be great." She hesitated, not sure how much she wanted to push--Cassie hadn't wanted to talk on Saturday, but Cissie really thought she should talk about what happened.

"So. Kon came by and talked to Bart last night." She glanced up at Cassie, pausing in their packing. She may as well ask and apologize later if she was out of line for doing so. "What happened?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Cassie paused in her packing. She hadn't wanted to talk to Cissie when they were shopping because she knew Cissie would have tried to talk her out of it and Cassie had had it in her mind that she couldn't allow that. Even now...No. She returned to folding the tarp in her hands.

"We talked. I...I thought I should end it." She wasn't looking at Cissie; she focused entirely on the tarp. "But they...we talked and we...we're still together." It was a trial basis in Cassie's mind but she hadn't even said that to the others. "Road trip saved!" She added, as lightly as she could, and picked up another tarp.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie watched her friend closely while she talked--or didn't really talk. She got up and picked her way through the supplies to Cassie's side, taking the tarp from her. Before she could reach for another one, she caught Cassie's hands in hers and squeezed them. "Cassie. Talk to me."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Cassie stared at her hands in Cissie's and sighed. What is she supposed to say? "I'm tired of all the...we all feed off each other so easily. I wanted it to stop. I thought...Kon should have somebody who loves him the way he wants to be loved." She pulled her lips in over her teeth and shrugged, pulling Cissie's hands up with hers.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie squeezed Cassie's hands and then let go, reaching out to pull her into a hug instead. "But what about you, Cass?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Her first response was to dismiss the question, but Cassie hardly ever speaks her first response aloud. Not when it comes to this type of topic. In the middle of a battle, sure. She looks, sees, thinks, directs and all in that split second that makes the difference between a win and a loss. But about herself, her feelings, her wants, needs and desires...most of that is bottled up and examined thoroughly before anything is said or done. When it is not she ends up acting on feelings she should have buried, one way or another.

Her first response was to dismiss the question, but Cassie knew Cissie wouldn't like or accept that. "It would be better for me, too. I don't want to be angry with Kon because he loves me too much. I don't want to feel like a constant disappointment." She got enough of that in her non-romantic life. Speaking of which, "I'd be a better leader" Wow, she actually said leader. "if my attentions weren't divided."

It would be better for everyone except Cassie and admittedly Tim. Cassie and Tim, Tim and Cassie. Feelings they should have buried or swallowed or convinced themselves they didn't need. I would do anything for you, he'd said and she felt the same. Anything for each other, even not be together. But it was Tim she had stayed for. Kon she still thought she was hurting as much as she (and Tim) did honestly and genuinely and deeply love him. He was their Arthur and he would always be the best of them.

"But it's a moot point anyway. Kon doesn't" understand "agree and Tim...we didn't break up." Despite her best efforts. Well, not entirely her best. But close.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Cissie hugged her tighter, listening and knowing that there was much more that Cassie just wasn't saying. She just wasn't sure how to make her say it. She pulled back so she could look at her, still holding onto Cassie's hands--she wasn't going to let her escape this conversation if she could help it. She tilted her head, looking at her carefully and trying to figure out how to stop Cassie from thinking in terms of put-everyone-else-first. "Cassie. Do you want to break up with them? Not because you think you should, or it would be better for anyone. For you. Would it be better for you? Would you be happier?"

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

Annoyingly, Cassie felt tears threatening. "I don't think..." GAH. It is a yes or no question, you silly girl. Or rather, questions. She took a breath and forced the tears away. "No. I don't know, maybe. I don't...no."

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Cass." Cissie pulled her into another hug. "You love them. You would all be miserable if you broke up."

[butimwondergirl.livejournal.com]

"Not always." Her voice was...wistful. But not really for a time when they might be broken up and not miserable. It was something else. When Cassie imagined that future she imagined Kon with someone deserving. No one in particular but Kon had so very much to give. She never imagined him alone.

She pulled back and shook her head. "I wish love was enough, Cissie." Cassie tried to turn her attention back to packing.

[cisskabob.livejournal.com]

Right. Like Cissie's going to let her get away with that. She stopped her, grabbing her lightly by the elbows. "Why isn't it?"